Stepfamilies are born of loss

Any way you look at it, stepfamilies are born of loss whether it’s the death of a parent or divorce. Invariably, children (and partners) will be suffering anger and grief from the loss of family-life as they knew it.'

Irene Gerrard, a trainer with the Stepfamily Association of Victoria, says some form of loss is “a precursor to stepfamily life”. Indeed, she explains the word steop “is an old Teutonic word denoting bereavement, “so a steopbairn was a chilld who had lost a parent and gained a stepparent.

As has been portrayed in many old folk tales the very gaining of a stepparent was often associated with loss and hardship. “Hence the “wicked stepmother” nickname.Ms Gerrard makes the observation that “a lot of grief within stepfamilies today is not understood or sanctioned and that the associated losses are sometimes unable to be recognised, let alone articulated by stepfamily members”.

Having put together a course for couples – Making Stepfamilies Work – Ms Gerrard addresses the problems of stepfamily members feeling disenfranchised by their grief and loss.The course aims to help stepfamilies move on and “create a new and good enough family”. Putting together two families who have not shared a past creates considerable discomfort when family members “attempt to experience and demonstrate a level of intimacy and cohesiveness which is not yet a reality”, Ms Gerrard explains.

It can feel fake when everyone is trying to put on their happy face all the time, without allowing for the expression of inevitable feelings of confusion, loss and anger.I remember just after my partner and I moved in together for the first time with our three kids (two of mine and one of his), it was our first Valentine’s Day together. I placed love heart chocolates on everyone’s pillows. My 16 year old son didn’t like it and said so, accusing me of being fake. Probably true since I had never previously recognised Valentine’s Day before we became a stepfamily.

My thinking was that it was a bit of fun – a gesture of goodwill. His perception was that he resented me being so “nice all the time” when I wasn’t usually nice all the time. No-one is. But that’s what we stepparents often tend to do. We’re trying to please all of the people, all of the time, keeping the peace, trying to maintain a happy household.

The reality is – no household is happy and peaceful all the time – stepfamily or not.Ms Gerrard emphasises the importance of recognizing that pain and loss are often part and parcel of stepfamily-life, especially in the early days, and it is hugely important that parents and childrens get in touch with, and express, those feelings.

For more information on programs to help stepfamilies, visit the SAV website at http://www.stepfamily.org.au/ or telephone (03) 9481 1500