It's not always possible to sit on the fence, is it? Any family with a member who has gone through separation or divorce will understand how difficult it is when it comes to dealing with "the ex". For grandparents, it can be horrendous.
In my case, my ex-husband's parents died a long time ago and he has no other family so I haven't had to juggle Christmas and other holidays to include my kids' paternal family. My partner, however, has had that particular headache. With his two daughters living with their mother, holidays have been a major headache and making sure HIS family gets to see the girls entails the logistical expertise of a major events planner.
Anyway, you get by, and we have ... with a few dramas along the way. But a new situation has now occurred.
My partner's eldest daughter moved away to pursue a career, as I mentioned in a previous post, and now lives with her aunt (my partner's sister and her family). This child has the sweetest nature and has stayed close to her father's family so moving in with her aunt was an easy transition.
The only problem is my partner's ex-wife. Renowned for having more front than Myer, she expects to be able to stay at her ex sister-in-law's home when she visits her daughter. In a perfect world, that would be fine. But there is no love lost between ex-wife (let's call her Madonna) and my partner's family. They don't want her to stay, but what can they say when she asks? Ever-the-diplomat, my partner's sister of course lets her stay.
That's my partner's dilemma. His sister says she wants to stay out of the hostilities between her brother and his ex. But is that realistic? Sometimes you just do have to take sides.
The divorce was bitter and they are still hostile toward each other. Despite having some or all of the kids in his care at times, my partner was never able to get a cent from the Child Support Agency. However, he's had to pay top dollar to her - even when he had custody of the kids! I don't know what it's like in other countries but the CSA in Australia works strictly in the favor of mothers (and I can say that with authority as my own experience with CSA and my own ex is that it's pretty much my word against his). They don't bother too much with the truth or checking the facts.
This happened again when my partner's daughter actually moved away to start work. Her mother took over a month to notify CSA of her change in circumstances. Subsequently, my partner had to keep paying child support for a child that had moved away and was now earning her own income. CSA got back to my partner two months later and advised that he wouldn't get a refund for those payments because his ex had been helping her daughter "with set-up costs".
What set-up costs? My partner's daughter went to live with his sister in a fully-furnished room, at no cost (though she will pay board eventually). This has been a distinct pattern between my partner and his ex. He pays - even when it's not fair that he should do so. And she just takes the money and says nothing to correct the record.
So, in a turn of events that is indeed true to form, my partner's ex wife now expects to be able to stay at her ex sister-in-law's home when she visits her daughter. Despite the fact my partner's family cannot stand his ex, his sister says that she feels compelled to be neutral for the sake of harmony.
But what about us? This is a woman with the scruples and integrity of Cruella De Ville .. on a good day. It seems to me there comes a time when families do have to draw a line in the sand ... and this is it. My partner's sister is absolutely scathing about her former sister-in-law so isn't it the height of hypocrisy to have her stay in her home?
And it certainly hasn't promoted harmony. My partner now says he won't stay there when we go to visit his daughter in future. Instead, we'll stay in a motel. He feels that by welcoming his ex into their home, even under sufferance, his sister is sending the wrong message about her support for her brother.
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