It's not always possible to sit on the fence, is it? Any family with a member who has gone through separation or divorce will understand how difficult it is when it comes to dealing with "the ex". For grandparents, it can be horrendous.
In my case, my ex-husband's parents died a long time ago and he has no other family so I haven't had to juggle Christmas and other holidays to include my kids' paternal family. My partner, however, has had that particular headache. With his two daughters living with their mother, holidays have been a major headache and making sure HIS family gets to see the girls entails the logistical expertise of a major events planner.
Anyway, you get by, and we have ... with a few dramas along the way. But a new situation has now occurred.
My partner's eldest daughter moved away to pursue a career, as I mentioned in a previous post, and now lives with her aunt (my partner's sister and her family). This child has the sweetest nature and has stayed close to her father's family so moving in with her aunt was an easy transition.
The only problem is my partner's ex-wife. Renowned for having more front than Myer, she expects to be able to stay at her ex sister-in-law's home when she visits her daughter. In a perfect world, that would be fine. But there is no love lost between ex-wife (let's call her Madonna) and my partner's family. They don't want her to stay, but what can they say when she asks? Ever-the-diplomat, my partner's sister of course lets her stay.
That's my partner's dilemma. His sister says she wants to stay out of the hostilities between her brother and his ex. But is that realistic? Sometimes you just do have to take sides.
The divorce was bitter and they are still hostile toward each other. Despite having some or all of the kids in his care at times, my partner was never able to get a cent from the Child Support Agency. However, he's had to pay top dollar to her - even when he had custody of the kids! I don't know what it's like in other countries but the CSA in Australia works strictly in the favor of mothers (and I can say that with authority as my own experience with CSA and my own ex is that it's pretty much my word against his). They don't bother too much with the truth or checking the facts.
This happened again when my partner's daughter actually moved away to start work. Her mother took over a month to notify CSA of her change in circumstances. Subsequently, my partner had to keep paying child support for a child that had moved away and was now earning her own income. CSA got back to my partner two months later and advised that he wouldn't get a refund for those payments because his ex had been helping her daughter "with set-up costs".
What set-up costs? My partner's daughter went to live with his sister in a fully-furnished room, at no cost (though she will pay board eventually). This has been a distinct pattern between my partner and his ex. He pays - even when it's not fair that he should do so. And she just takes the money and says nothing to correct the record.
So, in a turn of events that is indeed true to form, my partner's ex wife now expects to be able to stay at her ex sister-in-law's home when she visits her daughter. Despite the fact my partner's family cannot stand his ex, his sister says that she feels compelled to be neutral for the sake of harmony.
But what about us? This is a woman with the scruples and integrity of Cruella De Ville .. on a good day. It seems to me there comes a time when families do have to draw a line in the sand ... and this is it. My partner's sister is absolutely scathing about her former sister-in-law so isn't it the height of hypocrisy to have her stay in her home?
And it certainly hasn't promoted harmony. My partner now says he won't stay there when we go to visit his daughter in future. Instead, we'll stay in a motel. He feels that by welcoming his ex into their home, even under sufferance, his sister is sending the wrong message about her support for her brother.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I'm going to live with Mum!
One of the best things about being a sole parent was that MY WORD WAS LAW. There were no arguments with the other parent over bedtime, let alone philosophical differences on child-rearing.
My kids’ father lived in another state so they never once threatened to go and live with him in retaliation for an unwanted chore or curfew because that would meant moving a world away from their friends.
In our blended household, the status quo with my kids remains the same despite the eldest now being 18 and free to live where he pleases. In fact, would be PLEASE consider moving out sometime soon as I really feel it’s TIME. Just yesterday, I demanded that he now pay me for doing his ironing as he has more t-shirts than the rest of us combined.
But I digress. My partner’s ex-wife lives in the same town as us, so if his son (who does live with us) wants to make a point or feels aggrieved by some perceived injustice, he can threaten to move to Mum”. In my experience, this threat plagues stepfamilies. We have already experienced this with my partner's daughter who left her mother to live with us and then left us upon deciding her mother's house rules were less strict than ours.
Now, I would take this threat seriously and address it earnestly if not for the fact that he is 18 and this is the umpteenth time. A minor argument with his father can result in him packing his bags and "really, really" going to live with his mother. This weekend.
Calling his bluff, my partner agreed that perhaps this might be for the best. Perhaps he would benefit by going to live with his mother for a while. He is a sensitive kid and there are some unresolved issues with his mother.
This is one of those times when I don't know if I'm supposed to butt in or butt out. Should I encourage or discourage my stepson to go and live with his mother for a while? Is he looking to me for some guidance with this decision? Is it any of my business? What if he thinks my lack of input means I want him to go? We have always enjoyed a good relationship so I am finding this quite a quandary.
The fact is, I have been in his life just a few short years. She is his mother. There is no way of knowing if his moving will be the best or the worst thing, but we shall see if he follows through on the threat this time.
My kids’ father lived in another state so they never once threatened to go and live with him in retaliation for an unwanted chore or curfew because that would meant moving a world away from their friends.
In our blended household, the status quo with my kids remains the same despite the eldest now being 18 and free to live where he pleases. In fact, would be PLEASE consider moving out sometime soon as I really feel it’s TIME. Just yesterday, I demanded that he now pay me for doing his ironing as he has more t-shirts than the rest of us combined.
But I digress. My partner’s ex-wife lives in the same town as us, so if his son (who does live with us) wants to make a point or feels aggrieved by some perceived injustice, he can threaten to move to Mum”. In my experience, this threat plagues stepfamilies. We have already experienced this with my partner's daughter who left her mother to live with us and then left us upon deciding her mother's house rules were less strict than ours.
Now, I would take this threat seriously and address it earnestly if not for the fact that he is 18 and this is the umpteenth time. A minor argument with his father can result in him packing his bags and "really, really" going to live with his mother. This weekend.
Calling his bluff, my partner agreed that perhaps this might be for the best. Perhaps he would benefit by going to live with his mother for a while. He is a sensitive kid and there are some unresolved issues with his mother.
This is one of those times when I don't know if I'm supposed to butt in or butt out. Should I encourage or discourage my stepson to go and live with his mother for a while? Is he looking to me for some guidance with this decision? Is it any of my business? What if he thinks my lack of input means I want him to go? We have always enjoyed a good relationship so I am finding this quite a quandary.
The fact is, I have been in his life just a few short years. She is his mother. There is no way of knowing if his moving will be the best or the worst thing, but we shall see if he follows through on the threat this time.
Oil and water DO mix!
Oil and water DO mix. In fact, if you add two litres of water to the OIL tank above the motor of your car, and then drive it for 400kms, it will closely resemble an iced coffee milkshake when drained from the motor.
It will most likely cause massive engine damage, possibly requiring you to replace your car engine. Unless you are my 18 year-old son, affectionately nicknamed "Crash Bash" because of his tendency to act now, think later.
Fortunately, said son has the luck of the Irish ... and we're not even Irish. When this catastrophe occurred a week ago, we expected the worst. Without looking at the car, our motor mechanic's prediction was dire. A destroyed head gasket at best was the prognosis and the worst case scenario? A new motor. We might get out of this for $800 or it could cost as much as $2000.
Darling son has only part-time work because he's playing sport at an elite level so we (foolishly?) agreed to let him focus on his sport this year in the hope he can take it to the next level. We'll know by the end of this year how that aspiration is going to pan out, but in the meantime, he's living on a tight budget. A budget that does not allow for a car repair bill in the thousands of dollars!
Our mechanic had not had time to look at the car until yesterday. That gave us a week ... to worry. We need not have. The mechanic's verdict was "tell your son to buy a Tattslotto ticket because he's the luckiest kid I've come across. There's no damage to the motor .. at all! I've never seen anything like it". Phew.
Well, he might not have seen anything like it, but I have. This is one lucky boy. He does no homework in Year 12, but still gets a higher score than most of his mates, making a mockery of my year-long nagging about how he needs to study more.
He lands on his feet - something I'm inordinately proud of, but also regularly frustrated by. This episode with the car should have been a valuable lesson about the need to be patient, take time to ask questions, LISTEN! And it was, to some extent.
But at the end of the day, my week of chastising about his foolish behavior in not first asking where the oil went before he just went ahead and poured water into the engine, has now been dismissed as Mum "nagging" ... yet again. As he pointed out: "See Mum? You were carrying on about nothing". His bill for the car damage? Less than $100. Crash Bash escapes once again.
It will most likely cause massive engine damage, possibly requiring you to replace your car engine. Unless you are my 18 year-old son, affectionately nicknamed "Crash Bash" because of his tendency to act now, think later.
Fortunately, said son has the luck of the Irish ... and we're not even Irish. When this catastrophe occurred a week ago, we expected the worst. Without looking at the car, our motor mechanic's prediction was dire. A destroyed head gasket at best was the prognosis and the worst case scenario? A new motor. We might get out of this for $800 or it could cost as much as $2000.
Darling son has only part-time work because he's playing sport at an elite level so we (foolishly?) agreed to let him focus on his sport this year in the hope he can take it to the next level. We'll know by the end of this year how that aspiration is going to pan out, but in the meantime, he's living on a tight budget. A budget that does not allow for a car repair bill in the thousands of dollars!
Our mechanic had not had time to look at the car until yesterday. That gave us a week ... to worry. We need not have. The mechanic's verdict was "tell your son to buy a Tattslotto ticket because he's the luckiest kid I've come across. There's no damage to the motor .. at all! I've never seen anything like it". Phew.
Well, he might not have seen anything like it, but I have. This is one lucky boy. He does no homework in Year 12, but still gets a higher score than most of his mates, making a mockery of my year-long nagging about how he needs to study more.
He lands on his feet - something I'm inordinately proud of, but also regularly frustrated by. This episode with the car should have been a valuable lesson about the need to be patient, take time to ask questions, LISTEN! And it was, to some extent.
But at the end of the day, my week of chastising about his foolish behavior in not first asking where the oil went before he just went ahead and poured water into the engine, has now been dismissed as Mum "nagging" ... yet again. As he pointed out: "See Mum? You were carrying on about nothing". His bill for the car damage? Less than $100. Crash Bash escapes once again.
Mobile phones - things to consider.
Here’s a dilemma! My 16 year-old daughter (who lives with us) and 14 year-old stepdaughter (who lives with her mother) once had a vicious, albeit brief, SMS tiff via their mobile phones.
While conflict in “blended families” isn’t new to us, especially with three teenage girls in the mix, this episode cemented my dislike for mobiles and the impact they have on family life and the communication and social skills of our kids.
The girls could have had a face-to-face argument and, indeed, they sometimes do. But it’s so much easier to be nasty to someone when you don’t have to face them.
If you’re considering getting your child phone, really think hard about why it’s necessary and how it will be used. Set ground rules for use. Monitor what your children spend on phone credit and where that money is coming from. Kids often send each other credit and this can lead to arguments.
Ban phones from the dinner table and remind your children that it is bad manners to send or read texts when someone is speaking to them. Take an ongoing interest in their phone use and who they are communicating with. With younger children especially, check their Inbox regularly. If you don’t like what you find, confiscate the phone.
As well as teaching kids how to deal with being the victims of m-bullying, make sure they understand you will not tolerate them bullying others. According to www.itwire.com new research has revealed mobile phones and the internet are being used as weapons of abuse in teenage relationships “with a disturbing level of frequency”.
A survey … found teens in dating relationships were being controlled, threatened and humiliated through phones … while their parents remained “completely in the dark”. This was occurring with children as young as 13.
There are plenty of great websites with information about the dramatic increase in bullying by SMS and internet. One of the biggest problems seems to be that parents have been left in the dark by the rapid development of communication technology. Our kids are experts on mobile phones, instant messaging and website development and we often don't have a clue exactly what they're using that technology for! Do some research and make sure you're up to speed with your child's use of their mobile phone, emails, chatlines and internet.
While conflict in “blended families” isn’t new to us, especially with three teenage girls in the mix, this episode cemented my dislike for mobiles and the impact they have on family life and the communication and social skills of our kids.
The girls could have had a face-to-face argument and, indeed, they sometimes do. But it’s so much easier to be nasty to someone when you don’t have to face them.
If you’re considering getting your child phone, really think hard about why it’s necessary and how it will be used. Set ground rules for use. Monitor what your children spend on phone credit and where that money is coming from. Kids often send each other credit and this can lead to arguments.
Ban phones from the dinner table and remind your children that it is bad manners to send or read texts when someone is speaking to them. Take an ongoing interest in their phone use and who they are communicating with. With younger children especially, check their Inbox regularly. If you don’t like what you find, confiscate the phone.
As well as teaching kids how to deal with being the victims of m-bullying, make sure they understand you will not tolerate them bullying others. According to www.itwire.com new research has revealed mobile phones and the internet are being used as weapons of abuse in teenage relationships “with a disturbing level of frequency”.
A survey … found teens in dating relationships were being controlled, threatened and humiliated through phones … while their parents remained “completely in the dark”. This was occurring with children as young as 13.
There are plenty of great websites with information about the dramatic increase in bullying by SMS and internet. One of the biggest problems seems to be that parents have been left in the dark by the rapid development of communication technology. Our kids are experts on mobile phones, instant messaging and website development and we often don't have a clue exactly what they're using that technology for! Do some research and make sure you're up to speed with your child's use of their mobile phone, emails, chatlines and internet.
A reluctant Pioneer.
There’s a set of House Rules in our home, one of which is: “If it rings, answer it”.
Considering there are four teenagers in the house whose mobile phones never leave their side, it seems a superfluous rule. But the kids rarely answer the landline because it rarely tolls for them.
It occurred to me the other day that I am a pioneer parent in the mobile phone revolution. We are the first generation of parents to endure the plague of mobile phones that has beset our children. In the same way our parents watched in horror as we left the house in satin disco pants and a weave perm during the disco era, their parents worried about Elvis’ pelvis and the corrupting influence of rock and roll.
But mobile phones and their impact on family life are more sinister and far-reaching. An article by Erin Jansen, author of NetLingo – The Internet Dictionary states: “For teenagers, texting is like knowing another language. Since it is an online language, it is global .. and is quickly becoming a universal form of English,” she explains.For parents it might as well be a foreign language.
I use my mobile for texting, but can’t bring myself to compose a message without correct grammar and punctuation. I know that l8r means “later” and cu@8 means “see you at eight”, but what does AFAIK mean?
A recent study by Queensland University surveyed 218 teens and found 93.6 per cent had been a victim of mobile-phone bullying. m-bullying involves using a mobile phone to harass or offend someone. It can include sending obscene images, threatening to start rumors, or inappropriate and unwanted messages of affection.
Those sobering statistics suggest we pioneer parents will have to confront this problem sooner rather than later. So what can we do? Pondering this led me to the realization that with so many victims, there must also be a lot of bullies. How would I feel if my child was one of them? How would I know? Does an unintentionally terse or tactless SMS that has hurt the feelings of someone else count as m-bullying? I think it technically might.
The advantages of SMS are obvious. It’s a cheap and it’s fast. The disadvantages are the risk of our kids losing other important communication and social skills. If your children haven’t yet been given their first phone, you’re still in the box seat. Hold off for as long as you can and carefully establish ground rules from the outset.
Stay tuned for some tips from the experts on how to manage mobile phones and please post your stories and experiences for us to share.
Considering there are four teenagers in the house whose mobile phones never leave their side, it seems a superfluous rule. But the kids rarely answer the landline because it rarely tolls for them.
It occurred to me the other day that I am a pioneer parent in the mobile phone revolution. We are the first generation of parents to endure the plague of mobile phones that has beset our children. In the same way our parents watched in horror as we left the house in satin disco pants and a weave perm during the disco era, their parents worried about Elvis’ pelvis and the corrupting influence of rock and roll.
But mobile phones and their impact on family life are more sinister and far-reaching. An article by Erin Jansen, author of NetLingo – The Internet Dictionary states: “For teenagers, texting is like knowing another language. Since it is an online language, it is global .. and is quickly becoming a universal form of English,” she explains.For parents it might as well be a foreign language.
I use my mobile for texting, but can’t bring myself to compose a message without correct grammar and punctuation. I know that l8r means “later” and cu@8 means “see you at eight”, but what does AFAIK mean?
A recent study by Queensland University surveyed 218 teens and found 93.6 per cent had been a victim of mobile-phone bullying. m-bullying involves using a mobile phone to harass or offend someone. It can include sending obscene images, threatening to start rumors, or inappropriate and unwanted messages of affection.
Those sobering statistics suggest we pioneer parents will have to confront this problem sooner rather than later. So what can we do? Pondering this led me to the realization that with so many victims, there must also be a lot of bullies. How would I feel if my child was one of them? How would I know? Does an unintentionally terse or tactless SMS that has hurt the feelings of someone else count as m-bullying? I think it technically might.
The advantages of SMS are obvious. It’s a cheap and it’s fast. The disadvantages are the risk of our kids losing other important communication and social skills. If your children haven’t yet been given their first phone, you’re still in the box seat. Hold off for as long as you can and carefully establish ground rules from the outset.
Stay tuned for some tips from the experts on how to manage mobile phones and please post your stories and experiences for us to share.
Stepfamilies are born of loss
Any way you look at it, stepfamilies are born of loss whether it’s the death of a parent or divorce. Invariably, children (and partners) will be suffering anger and grief from the loss of family-life as they knew it.'
Irene Gerrard, a trainer with the Stepfamily Association of Victoria, says some form of loss is “a precursor to stepfamily life”. Indeed, she explains the word steop “is an old Teutonic word denoting bereavement, “so a steopbairn was a chilld who had lost a parent and gained a stepparent.
As has been portrayed in many old folk tales the very gaining of a stepparent was often associated with loss and hardship. “Hence the “wicked stepmother” nickname.Ms Gerrard makes the observation that “a lot of grief within stepfamilies today is not understood or sanctioned and that the associated losses are sometimes unable to be recognised, let alone articulated by stepfamily members”.
Having put together a course for couples – Making Stepfamilies Work – Ms Gerrard addresses the problems of stepfamily members feeling disenfranchised by their grief and loss.The course aims to help stepfamilies move on and “create a new and good enough family”. Putting together two families who have not shared a past creates considerable discomfort when family members “attempt to experience and demonstrate a level of intimacy and cohesiveness which is not yet a reality”, Ms Gerrard explains.
It can feel fake when everyone is trying to put on their happy face all the time, without allowing for the expression of inevitable feelings of confusion, loss and anger.I remember just after my partner and I moved in together for the first time with our three kids (two of mine and one of his), it was our first Valentine’s Day together. I placed love heart chocolates on everyone’s pillows. My 16 year old son didn’t like it and said so, accusing me of being fake. Probably true since I had never previously recognised Valentine’s Day before we became a stepfamily.
My thinking was that it was a bit of fun – a gesture of goodwill. His perception was that he resented me being so “nice all the time” when I wasn’t usually nice all the time. No-one is. But that’s what we stepparents often tend to do. We’re trying to please all of the people, all of the time, keeping the peace, trying to maintain a happy household.
The reality is – no household is happy and peaceful all the time – stepfamily or not.Ms Gerrard emphasises the importance of recognizing that pain and loss are often part and parcel of stepfamily-life, especially in the early days, and it is hugely important that parents and childrens get in touch with, and express, those feelings.
For more information on programs to help stepfamilies, visit the SAV website at http://www.stepfamily.org.au/ or telephone (03) 9481 1500
Irene Gerrard, a trainer with the Stepfamily Association of Victoria, says some form of loss is “a precursor to stepfamily life”. Indeed, she explains the word steop “is an old Teutonic word denoting bereavement, “so a steopbairn was a chilld who had lost a parent and gained a stepparent.
As has been portrayed in many old folk tales the very gaining of a stepparent was often associated with loss and hardship. “Hence the “wicked stepmother” nickname.Ms Gerrard makes the observation that “a lot of grief within stepfamilies today is not understood or sanctioned and that the associated losses are sometimes unable to be recognised, let alone articulated by stepfamily members”.
Having put together a course for couples – Making Stepfamilies Work – Ms Gerrard addresses the problems of stepfamily members feeling disenfranchised by their grief and loss.The course aims to help stepfamilies move on and “create a new and good enough family”. Putting together two families who have not shared a past creates considerable discomfort when family members “attempt to experience and demonstrate a level of intimacy and cohesiveness which is not yet a reality”, Ms Gerrard explains.
It can feel fake when everyone is trying to put on their happy face all the time, without allowing for the expression of inevitable feelings of confusion, loss and anger.I remember just after my partner and I moved in together for the first time with our three kids (two of mine and one of his), it was our first Valentine’s Day together. I placed love heart chocolates on everyone’s pillows. My 16 year old son didn’t like it and said so, accusing me of being fake. Probably true since I had never previously recognised Valentine’s Day before we became a stepfamily.
My thinking was that it was a bit of fun – a gesture of goodwill. His perception was that he resented me being so “nice all the time” when I wasn’t usually nice all the time. No-one is. But that’s what we stepparents often tend to do. We’re trying to please all of the people, all of the time, keeping the peace, trying to maintain a happy household.
The reality is – no household is happy and peaceful all the time – stepfamily or not.Ms Gerrard emphasises the importance of recognizing that pain and loss are often part and parcel of stepfamily-life, especially in the early days, and it is hugely important that parents and childrens get in touch with, and express, those feelings.
For more information on programs to help stepfamilies, visit the SAV website at http://www.stepfamily.org.au/ or telephone (03) 9481 1500
Love conquers all!
Bah! Not when it comes to stepfamilies - the blending of two families into one big happy family. That wholesome and heart-warming television series, the Brady Bunch, made it all sound so easy. But, as we stepparents can attest, the reality is very, very different.
I live with my partner, my 18 year-year-old son, my 16 year-old daughter and my partner's 18 year-old son. My nephew, also 18, boards with us. My partner has two daughters - a 16-year-old who recently moved to the city, five hours away, to live with my partner's sister while she qualifies as a beautician - and a 14-year-old who lives with her mother in the same town as us.
Welcome to my Blog about the daily trials, tears and joys of our step-family. Dealing with exes, learning to like someone else's kids and trying to merge a family where our children are as different as chalk and cheese. There are many others like us with tales of wit and wisdom to share. We look forward to sharing our experiences and benefitting from yours.
I live with my partner, my 18 year-year-old son, my 16 year-old daughter and my partner's 18 year-old son. My nephew, also 18, boards with us. My partner has two daughters - a 16-year-old who recently moved to the city, five hours away, to live with my partner's sister while she qualifies as a beautician - and a 14-year-old who lives with her mother in the same town as us.
Welcome to my Blog about the daily trials, tears and joys of our step-family. Dealing with exes, learning to like someone else's kids and trying to merge a family where our children are as different as chalk and cheese. There are many others like us with tales of wit and wisdom to share. We look forward to sharing our experiences and benefitting from yours.
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